When I was a kid (I know.27 is super old now!), I remember kids went to school and played. It's just what you did if you were a kid back then. I really believe that's the way it should be for kids. Obviously as they get a bit older, you have to make sure that take care of their homework, chores, and obligations to teams if they are a part of any. Really, their lives shouldn't be that complicated though.
I hope to get back to the basics for my kids sakes. They deserve to just be kids for as long as possible even though our world today is making it harder and harder as we go.
On another note..Who knew being an adult would be so hard? I don't mean the everyday life stuff that everyone has to deal with. Having a roof, food, clothes, retirement, normal disagreements with your spouse/partner. Such things are expected. I mean all the extra baggage. Where did all the expectations come from? When did we start comparing and judging each other so harshly? Is it any wonder that mental illness has made a HUGE leap? We live in a world where *most people* have some sort of a mental illness. Depression is an enormous issue all over the world today. I don't know anyone who doesn't feel the pressure to be, look, and/or act a certain way every single day.
We come from an era where you may not get much help even if you seek help, because it is very likely that your therapist is just as screwed up as you are!
In fact, I'm starting to wonder if it's not really me that has all the issues. Maybe it's just the world in general that is making me think I am crazy.
If I hide in my house and avoid people, then I am depressed, but if I stand up for what I want and what I believe, then I am controlling and over-bearing.
We absolutely adore our landlords, so it is going to be so hard to leave them. We believe we have to do it for our health and that of our kids. The house is a 1910 farm house and we love the idea of it. Very cute and has lots of personality!
The down side is no insulation, old windows, old duct work, only an old furnace to heat it. We are worried that it is blowing a lot of dust and dirt around and is possibly making us and keeping us sick. Not to mention possible lead paint and several other concerns.
Sadly we will be giving up a lot of land, of course our wonderful landlords, and incredibly low rent.
Praying God brings us a house that is perfect and healthy for us...and that we can afford it!
It often seems to run together. The same stuff day after day after year. I often can't remember what I did yesterday and what was the day before.
I guess that's why it still shocks me when I get those moments of clarity. You know the ones when something happens or your kid does something that makes you stop and really focus. It's in that moment that no matter what is making your life crappy, you can just smile and remember why you do what you do and put up with all the bullshit.
I had one of those today. It was so refreshing! My daughter walked up and was jabbering at me like usual except this time I really stopped and listened to her. She is incredibly smart and has a huge vocabulary for her age. She told me "Mommy, I have pretty hair. Baby Trace is hitting Homer on Mommy's shirt. Buba is making the airplane crash." I studied her gorgeous blue eyes and when she noticed me looking, she got this huge satisfied grin on her face and blushed.
It makes me wonder what other amazing things I miss her saying when I am too busy with life to listen. Sometimes I wish I could film them 24hrs a day and go back and watch it all later to see what I missed.
I had been having real contractions on and off for weeks and it was no different on May 18Th. I had them every half hour or so..no big deal. I still hadn't lost my plug or anything. All we knew was that I was already 4cms dilated.I finally feel asleep around midnight on the 19Th. I woke up to a strong contraction at 2:26am, but I stayed in bed really thinking nothing of it until I realized they were coming really close together. By 3am, I realized they were 2-3 mins apart and getting stronger. That's when I had one that was so strong, I woke Dan up just from the noises I was making to get through it. We got up and I went to the restroom and realized I was losing my plug. Dan got the laptop and started timing the contractions. They were already 1-3 mins apart and lasting 45 secs-1 min! They were incredibly strong already, so I asked Dan to call our midwife. He called and told her the contraction pattern and she heard me go through 1 contraction and said she was on her way.
I stayed on the toilet for a little while so I could lose my plug, but it got to be too much so I moved to kneeling on the floor and leaning over my couch. My midwife arrived quickly and had me lay down (OUCH) to check me. Turns out I was only 6 cms! I was really upset and discouraged. She suggested I get in the pool. I wasn't sure at first, but I am SO glad because it felt amazing right away! It was around 4:30am by this time..I think. The pain was horrible and I thought more than once that I was absolutely insane for doing this again, but I kept going..since I really had no choice. I was NOT going to the hospital! At some point, my bff got here to take pictures and Dan had the video camera hooked up. They kept adding hot water to the pool and that felt great in between contractions! I remember Dan being so excited/nervous that he kept running around messing with crap and I had to yell at him to knock it off and come sit by me. I was sitting in the pool and my midwife checked me around 5:30am and I was a good 8cms.
Dan suggested that I get on my hands and knees since I had birthed both our other kids that way and it had worked well. He sat on a chair in front of me and held my hands for awhile. Talked me through every contraction. He was vital to me getting through this labor. He then started to hold my face and talk to me and it was so sweet! I was checked again around 6:30am and was 9cms and closing in on 10 fast. My midwife said to go ahead and push if I felt the urge because it wouldn't hurt anything. I did feel a small urge to push, but not a lot for about 3 contractions. Suddenly it changed and my contractions were right on top of each other and my body was pushing hard and fast. I felt totally out of control but SO excited! My mindset completely changed and I kept saying I was almost done! It's so hard to describe. A strange *peace* came over me, but at the same time I was filled with the pure energy of life!
It was 7am when my body started to push. I had contractions back to back the whole time. Suddenly I felt the pressure stay down..then I felt the head pop under the bone..then I felt the baby crowning. That has got to be my favorite feeling when giving birth. That's when Dan got in the pool behind me. I felt the head coming out and it was half way out before my water broke! In 3 pushes, baby came out and 7:14am and he floated right into his daddy's hands!!
I had to be careful turning around, because the cord seemed really short. Dan lifted him half out of the water and he was screaming right away. So sweet! I got turned around and Dan handed him to me and I looked. It's a BOY!! We were in love already! Maybe 10 mins later, I got on my knees and delivered the placenta. WOW the cord was short!! I had a small blood clot and almost no bleeding! We had my bff cut the cord and named her God Mommy.
I handed the baby off to Dan and got up to waddle to bed. Got there and we all got in bed and cuddled. I got to eat and drink and take some Tylenol. Trace started nursing like a champ and nursed for the next 2 hours! He had pooped in the pool right after he was born and pooped again while he was nursing. Some time in that 2 hrs, our midwife cleaned up everything, got us food and drinks, and my bff went and got the other kids and they came to meet Trace. Wyatt was thrilled right away, but Addie looked confused. We weighed him and our midwife checked him over and then checked me. I had one small split up the front, but it was tiny and I didn't need any stitches. Trace was 8lbs 14ozs and 21 inches and very healthy! He is beyond precious.
I think that was the perfect birth for our last baby!
So much for 3rd babies tend to come early. Seriously! I love this baby! I really do. I've wanted him/her even though being pregnant again was a bit of a shock. I have actually mostly enjoyed being pregnant this time around. This is the 3rd time in 4 years that I have willingly given up all rights to *my* body and what *I* want, so that a new person could growing and thrive and be healthy.
You hear pregnant women often say they are "done" toward the end of their pregnancy. How done do you have to be to be truly done?
I tell you what...I am freakin DONE. The word can not even begin to explain how DONE I actually am. I have finished my job..I know this baby is healthy and I know he or she would be just fine coming out now. I can no longer take care of my other kids or do anything really. My life has stopped totally until I can move again. How incredibly frustrating!
The problem...the baby doesn't care in the least. Apparently, my womb is super comfy and the baby is prepared to live in there for forever. It doesn't matter that I can barely eat or move. I get NO sleep..zero! I either can't pee at all or I pee every 2 seconds. I have heartburn no matter what position I'm in. There is no longer room for any of my own organs..or bones for that matter. Doesn't matter that my other 2 kids are wondering why mommy won't play with them or can't pick them up when they need comfort. Doesn't matter that I am completely disconnected from my husband, because it is so painful to be touched anywhere but my toes.
Doesn't matter at all about me. Nope, the baby doesn't care at all. So, what do I do? Pray..a lot. Begging God to please have mercy on me and bring this baby into the world. Please today...please. So far the begging hasn't worked. It doesn't rock my faith, but it makes me angry, frustrated, and disappointed.
I am SO grateful for this baby, but I can't wait until he or she is outside my body and I can take care of the rest of my family again. Including *me*!
Everyone has at least one date that is important. The very first day of your life. Your birth date.
As you get older and go through life's struggles and joys, you forget most dates but a few become very important. Most of those few, you had no idea would become important until the important event happened.
I have lots of good ones. My birthday, my anniversary, my kids birthdays, my husbands birthday...I could go on. Infact most of my important dates are good ones and reasons to celebrate. I'm grateful for that.
It's amazing how sometimes good dates can suddenly become bad ones for the rest of your life by a sudden tragedy. Not always sudden, I guess but tragedy for sure.
The dates I think of are my Nanny's birthday, Nanny's death, Pop's birthday, Pop's death...and today. Their anniversary. Usually such a happy day. These were 2 people who loved each other deeply and knew each other down to every hidden corner of themselves. They had more than just love...respect and admiration for each other. The kind of couple who had that look in their eyes instantly just from talking about the other..even when irritated with them.
They lived with the kind of marriage that I hope to strive for in my marriage every day of my life. There was nothing fake about it. It was the most HONEST relationship I've ever seen to this day.
So today, I try to remember the love instead of the sadness of missing them. Mostly it doesn't work, but it does make me grateful for the chance to have that with my husband.
Maybe it's because it's only been a year that they have been gone and emotions are still incredibly raw. Maybe in a few..or 10 years, it all turns around again and I can heal enough to just be happy on this date and remember their happiness. Maybe..maybe not..
Perfect love is a lie...true love is very much real.