Monday, February 16, 2009


It's amazing to me how much of my life I've spent hiding from people/things/situations.
People hide things for different reasons I guess, but it all comes down to being afraid of being judged really. It doesn't matter where you grow up..everyone somehow is exposed to the fear of being judged. It's really sad actually.
As I get older, I am realizing that other people are usually too busy trying to hide their own stuff to really care about yours. Your often reguarded as brave when you do share something you'll probably be judged for, because it's so rare.
I'm not talking about political views or things like that. People love to debate over that stuff.
I'm talking about the other (maybe smaller) things that make us who we are. For example; I have a HUGE fear of driving. I have had it since as far abck as I can remember. I have had my permit since I was 16, but still have been unable to actually get my license.
That's a hell of a hard thing to just "throw" out there. Especially since *most* people drive all the time. It's not "normal" to be a 26 yr old married mom of 3 and not drive. That's just "weird."
The problem is that I've spent so much time hiding it that I couldn't focus much on changing it! I've spent a lot of my adult life hiding from people, because of it. I can't go to mom groups or play dates or women's bible study at church. I'd have to ask for a ride and then explain why and that is just embarrassing! I can't go to the store to pick something up and I have to schedule every dr appt on days when my husband is off, so he can take us.
So, the isolation doesn't just come from the actual not driving. Most of it comes from the fear of what other people will think/say. So, I have literally been stuck in my home with no way to go anywhere for years and years. It sucks. Big time! It sucks so much that I have been battling depression for a long time. I don't even want to go outside, but I try to make myself for my kids sake. I think they have suffered enough, because of my fear.. That makes me so sad.
So, here I go. Starting what will hopefully be my road to recovery from both depression and my fear of driving. I've started seeing a therapist. He is very hopeful and says phobias are very treatable! My depression will probably be the biggest battle and I am no longer ashamed to say I may have to take meds for a while until I am on my feet again.
My husband said something simple and wonderful to me the other day. He said, "At least you don't *want* to be this way. It'd be one thing if you didn't care and didn't want to change it, but you do and you are trying. That's all you can do."
He is so right. How am I ever gonna get healthy if I don't admitt where I am and gather support?
My pastor told me, "God never meant for us to go through life alone. Our strength is in our support of each other." Another simple, HUGE truth.
So, I guess I am gonna do my best to just be honest from now on and not be scared of what other people say. Either they will love me any way or they aren't worth my time. I have more important things to worry about.