How about..

You get the heck out of my belly!

So much for 3rd babies tend to come early. Seriously! I love this baby! I really do. I've wanted him/her even though being pregnant again was a bit of a shock. I have actually mostly enjoyed being pregnant this time around. This is the 3rd time in 4 years that I have willingly given up all rights to *my* body and what *I* want, so that a new person could growing and thrive and be healthy.

You hear pregnant women often say they are "done" toward the end of their pregnancy. How done do you have to be to be truly done?

I tell you what...I am freakin DONE. The word can not even begin to explain how DONE I actually am. I have finished my job..I know this baby is healthy and I know he or she would be just fine coming out now. I can no longer take care of my other kids or do anything really. My life has stopped totally until I can move again. How incredibly frustrating!

The problem...the baby doesn't care in the least. Apparently, my womb is super comfy and the baby is prepared to live in there for forever. It doesn't matter that I can barely eat or move. I get NO sleep..zero! I either can't pee at all or I pee every 2 seconds. I have heartburn no matter what position I'm in. There is no longer room for any of my own organs..or bones for that matter. Doesn't matter that my other 2 kids are wondering why mommy won't play with them or can't pick them up when they need comfort. Doesn't matter that I am completely disconnected from my husband, because it is so painful to be touched anywhere but my toes.

Doesn't matter at all about me. Nope, the baby doesn't care at all. So, what do I do? Pray..a lot. Begging God to please have mercy on me and bring this baby into the world. Please today...please. So far the begging hasn't worked. It doesn't rock my faith, but it makes me angry, frustrated, and disappointed.

I am SO grateful for this baby, but I can't wait until he or she is outside my body and I can take care of the rest of my family again. Including *me*!

Dates

Everyone has at least one date that is important. The very first day of your life. Your birth date.

As you get older and go through life's struggles and joys, you forget most dates but a few become very important. Most of those few, you had no idea would become important until the important event happened.

I have lots of good ones. My birthday, my anniversary, my kids birthdays, my husbands birthday...I could go on. Infact most of my important dates are good ones and reasons to celebrate. I'm grateful for that.

It's amazing how sometimes good dates can suddenly become bad ones for the rest of your life by a sudden tragedy. Not always sudden, I guess but tragedy for sure.

The dates I think of are my Nanny's birthday, Nanny's death, Pop's birthday, Pop's death...and today. Their anniversary. Usually such a happy day. These were 2 people who loved each other deeply and knew each other down to every hidden corner of themselves. They had more than just love...respect and admiration for each other. The kind of couple who had that look in their eyes instantly just from talking about the other..even when irritated with them.

They lived with the kind of marriage that I hope to strive for in my marriage every day of my life. There was nothing fake about it. It was the most HONEST relationship I've ever seen to this day.

So today, I try to remember the love instead of the sadness of missing them. Mostly it doesn't work, but it does make me grateful for the chance to have that with my husband.

Maybe it's because it's only been a year that they have been gone and emotions are still incredibly raw. Maybe in a few..or 10 years, it all turns around again and I can heal enough to just be happy on this date and remember their happiness. Maybe..maybe not..

Perfect love is a lie...true love is very much real.

Life Happens..

It always does. Especially when you start something new that you mean to keep up with. Like a new book, a load of laundry, or a blog..

Some how time has flown by again and I am 35 weeks pregnant with a 3 yr old and a 1.5 yr old! How does this happen without you really knowing?

We are ready for the baby now and can't wait to find out boy or girl! Anytime really.. I feel like life will be so much easier when I'm not pg anymore and can move without hurting again.

It's be kinda nice if the damn weather would cooperate and actually get warm and stay that way for a while. I'm over being cold all the time..

Otherwise we are doing pretty good! Got a new van just in time for baby! We love it! We have never been van people, but what are you gonna do when you need to fit 3 kids and their stuff and not go broke on gas..?

Dan is working as much as possible to save time off so he can take a long vacation when the baby comes. That'll be so nice! I've never had him for more than 10 days.

Kids are growing...bossy little turds..cute too. That's why we keep them around..

I'm doing ok with my depression. Have some good and bad days. The weather is NOT helping.

We are happy overall though. We love each other and also *like* each other, so we'll be ok.

That's about it for now...I'll post some recent pictures asap..

Hiding..

It's amazing to me how much of my life I've spent hiding from people/things/situations.

People hide things for different reasons I guess, but it all comes down to being afraid of being judged really. It doesn't matter where you grow up..everyone somehow is exposed to the fear of being judged. It's really sad actually.

As I get older, I am realizing that other people are usually too busy trying to hide their own stuff to really care about yours. Your often reguarded as brave when you do share something you'll probably be judged for, because it's so rare.

I'm not talking about political views or things like that. People love to debate over that stuff.

I'm talking about the other (maybe smaller) things that make us who we are. For example; I have a HUGE fear of driving. I have had it since as far abck as I can remember. I have had my permit since I was 16, but still have been unable to actually get my license.

That's a hell of a hard thing to just "throw" out there. Especially since *most* people drive all the time. It's not "normal" to be a 26 yr old married mom of 3 and not drive. That's just "weird."

The problem is that I've spent so much time hiding it that I couldn't focus much on changing it! I've spent a lot of my adult life hiding from people, because of it. I can't go to mom groups or play dates or women's bible study at church. I'd have to ask for a ride and then explain why and that is just embarrassing! I can't go to the store to pick something up and I have to schedule every dr appt on days when my husband is off, so he can take us.

So, the isolation doesn't just come from the actual not driving. Most of it comes from the fear of what other people will think/say. So, I have literally been stuck in my home with no way to go anywhere for years and years. It sucks. Big time! It sucks so much that I have been battling depression for a long time. I don't even want to go outside, but I try to make myself for my kids sake. I think they have suffered enough, because of my fear.. That makes me so sad.

So, here I go. Starting what will hopefully be my road to recovery from both depression and my fear of driving. I've started seeing a therapist. He is very hopeful and says phobias are very treatable! My depression will probably be the biggest battle and I am no longer ashamed to say I may have to take meds for a while until I am on my feet again.

My husband said something simple and wonderful to me the other day. He said, "At least you don't *want* to be this way. It'd be one thing if you didn't care and didn't want to change it, but you do and you are trying. That's all you can do."

He is so right. How am I ever gonna get healthy if I don't admitt where I am and gather support?

My pastor told me, "God never meant for us to go through life alone. Our strength is in our support of each other." Another simple, HUGE truth.

So, I guess I am gonna do my best to just be honest from now on and not be scared of what other people say. Either they will love me any way or they aren't worth my time. I have more important things to worry about.

Addison's Home/Waterbirth

August 28th, 2007
8lbs 1oz & 20inches

I had been having contractions on and off for weeks, so I didn’t think anything of it when I started having mild contractions early in the morning on August 27th. It was around 2-3am, and they were a little uncomfortable, but I slept through them the best I could. I had to get up early to get Wyatt and myself ready to go. Dan worked that night, but would be home to pick us up so we could go pick my mom up at the airport. She decided to fly in since the 28th was my due date. I continued to have mild contractions and they were pretty regular. I was kind of suspicious, but wasn’t sure if it was real or not. Wyatt and I were ready when Dan got home and we left for the airport.

About halfway there, we stopped to get gas and I knew it was real. The contractions were getting stronger and were very regular and it was pretty uncomfortable to be in the car. We discussed turning around and sending someone to get my mom, but decided to keep going since we were already halfway there. Of course, we got stuck in horrible city traffic. The contractions weren’t painful yet, but all I wanted was to stand up since sitting was so uncomfortable! Finally, we arrived at the airport and found my mom. Thank goodness she already had her bags and was ready to go. I let her know I was in labor and she was so excited about our “perfect timing.” Traffic wasn’t nearly as bad driving home and we stopped at Wal-Mart to grab a few last minute things and headed home. We got home around 7pm. It felt SO good just to be out of the car! Dan got Wyatt put to bed and he and my mom ate dinner. As soon as Wyatt was in bed, labor changed suddenly. Contractions became painful and I had to really focus on each of them. It felt good to walk and then lean on the wall or couch when one came on. Dan asked if we should call our midwives and I agreed. That was around 8:30pm and I was down on my knees leaning over my birthing ball. I wanted to try it since it felt wonderful during labor with Wyatt. It was ok..not quite right, but I stayed there because walking was becoming tiring.

Our midwives arrived between 9:30-10pm, I think. The lights were low and everyone was super mellow and quiet. There was just a sense of calm and peace and being ready. I was absolutely thrilled to be in labor since the pregnancy had been really hard on me! I remember Pamela (our midwife) asking me if I wanted to try the birth pool. I agreed it was time, so they started filling it up. My contractions continued to get stronger steadily and were more painful and totally different from what I felt with Wyatt. When they were ready, I got up to go to the bathroom and got stuck on the toilet through some very strong contractions. Finally, I was able to get up and get into the birth pool a few feet away. I think that was around 11:30pm.

Once again, labor suddenly changed. The water felt AMAZING this time. I can’t say it lessoned the pain, but it helped me release my muscles and let go of my body, so it could do what it was meant to. Right away, I felt my body start to push and I was able to just relax myself and be totally consumed by it. I had resumed my favorite position of on my knees and leaning over the side of the birth pool. I would come up on my knees to rock during a contraction and would relax down into the water in between. I remember focusing on my breathing and thinking how amazing it was that I could feel every little thing that was going on inside and outside my body and I knew exactly what all of it was.

I remember distinctly when my pushing changed from gentle to very strong. I *had* to push and I remember it made me roar like a lion each time. It, once again, felt SO good to push and I was so excited that I would meet our baby girl soon! She had been moving and kicking through the entire labor! Finally, with one incredibly strong push, I felt her move under my pubic bone. I roared, “She’s coming!” Then I laughed when I heard everyone in the other room jump up to come see. The air was still calm, but you could feel the growing excitement from everyone in the room. I knew that Dan was there outside the pool, but right behind me and was telling me he could see her head more and more with each push. I was totally unaware of everyone else and completely focused on my little baby that was coming to meet me! I felt her start to crown almost right away and I again welcomed that burning sensation. I slowed my breathing and relaxed my body and let it take over and gently push her out. Her head emerged under the water slowly with 3 small pushes. With one more push, she was out to her belly button. This was a crazy time for my body to take a break, but that’s just what it did! I remember laughing, because I could feel her arms “swimming” in the water behind me and she was still kicking her legs in my tummy! What an amazing feeling! I was finally able to give a little push and Dan helped by pulling gently. She was born at 12:54am on her due date after a half hour of pushing and a total of 6 pushes!

Dan held her just floating on the top of the water until I could turn around and sit down. I scooped her up to my chest and was overwhelmed with gratitude. She was finally here and she was healthy and absolutely gorgeous! I kept saying that I couldn’t believe I had just done that again! Everyone just stared with awe at our newest miracle. She also latched on and started to nurse right away.

About 15 minutes later, I started having contractions again, so I handed Addie to Dan and got on my knees to deliver the placenta. It took a few minutes, but it came out easily and was whole and healthy. Once again, I had no bleeding until after the placenta was delivered! We then had my mom cut the cord and Dan wrapped Addie up and snuggled her while our midwives attended to me. I wanted to shower, but I was still too weak, so I walked slowly to the bedroom and lay down in bed. Dan brought Addie to me and we cuddled and nursed. I don’t know when, but Dan’s parents arrived and I let them take Addie to the living room and the midwives came to check on me. My bleeding was normal and I had no tears again!! Whoo hoo! The midwives then did Addie’s exam. She was absolutely perfect!

I lay in bed with my sweet new baby girl and drank juice while everyone else cleaned up. It was 3am when our midwives and Dan’s parents left. We were all ready for some sleep! We all slept well until 8am, when Wyatt woke up. Dan brought him down to meet his new baby sister. He didn’t know what to think at first, but was soon crawling up on the couch to give her kisses. At that site, my heart became complete mush.

Wyatt’s Homebirth

November 1st, 2005
6lbs 4ozs & 19.5inches

October 31st, 2005 I was 37 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I started to swell suddenly, had very high blood pressure, and was close to becoming toxic. After talking to our midwife, we decided to induce by breaking my water around 6pm. Fluid was clear and we were ready to wait for baby! Dan went to work expecting to be called home soon.

I had some contractions but nothing really steady and it was getting late, so my mom, midwife, and I went to bed. I was able to sleep really well until contractions woke me up at 3:30am. They were pretty strong, but I wanted to make sure before I woke everyone. I lay in bed for about an hour and they kept coming, so I got up since it was incredibly uncomfortable to lie down. I went to the bathroom and woke my mom and midwife around 5 am. Dan was due to be home just after 6, so we decided not to call him.

We kept the lights low and my mom and midwife did whatever they needed to do to wake up while I labored on my knees leaning over my birthing ball. That was so comfortable for me. I remember Dan coming home and he did his best to help me, but I did not want to be touched. I wanted people there, but not too close. I ate some toast and drank lots of fluid. I remember getting up a lot to go to the bathroom, but I always ended up back on the birthing ball.

Around 11am, I decided to try the birth pool. After just a few contractions, I knew I had to get out. It just didn’t feel right. I got out and moved into our bedroom. I believe that is when I began transition. Suddenly my contractions just felt different..Stronger, more forceful. Not once did I feel like I couldn’t do it or like I had made the wrong decision. My body began to push around 12:30pm. I tried being on my back with my mom behind me for support, but it didn’t feel right. I got back on the birthing ball and that is when I really started to feel comfortable pushing.

My body’s natural pushing started to overcome everything else at 1:30pm. All I could do was release my own thoughts and worries and trust my body and baby to do what they were meant to. It felt so much better to me to be pushing! I remember thinking “Wow it’s almost over! My baby is almost here!” I was so excited and that made the pain much less noticeable.
I vividly remember feeling baby slip under my pubic bone and being SO happy just feeling the process happen! A couple pushes later, I felt baby start to crown. I purposefully tried to go as slow as possible and focused on my breathing through contractions and totally let my body take over. I wanted this part to be as gentle as possible for me and baby. I was in no hurry to get baby out since I knew it would be over very soon no matter what. Slowly my body pushed baby’s head out until the crown held. I welcomed the burning sensation and did not pull away from it. It was much less painful to me then the rest of labor had been. Another soft push from my uterus and baby’s eyes and nose were out! One more and there was the whole head and my husband was stroking his hair. When my next contraction came, baby came out with one strong push!

He was born into his father’s hands at 2:46pm on November 1st, 2005!
Our midwife helped Dan to lay the baby up between my legs and I picked up my brand new screaming baby boy and turned to sit down. Dan and I just sat and stared at him in total awe of this amazing creation. I could not believe I had just given birth. All my pain was gone instantly. He was perfect and healthy in every way!

Dan and I passed him back and forth taking turns ogling over him. He latched on and nursed 5 minutes after being born. He was already an expert at it! I can’t remember how long afterward, but the placenta stopped pumping blood, so Dan cut the cord while I held him. Our midwife told me it had already been an hour since the birth and we needed to work on getting the placenta out. I had no idea it had been that long!

I passed our baby boy off to his daddy and got up to wobble to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and deliver the placenta. Our midwife placed a bowl under me and with one small push, the placenta came out. It was healthy and fully intact. This was the first time I bled through the entire birth! Our midwife checked me and I had no tears, my bleeding was normal, and my uterus was contracting well!

By the time I was done, our baby had been cleaned a little, cord was clamped to make his belly button, he was wrapped in a new blanket, and snuggled in his Nana’s arms. I decided a shower would be nice, so Dan helped me shower. When we got out, our midwife had everything cleaned up and packed up and my dad had arrived and had ordered pizza!

Our midwife made sure we were all doing fine, weighed and measured baby, and went home to let us bond with our newest family member. We absolutely fell in love!

Much more than my birthday!

Today is my 26th birthday! I am SO excited to be 26. Most women don't want to get older. I love that I am older..life is just getting better and better! I wouldn't change my age for the world!

Today is much more than just my birthday!

5 years ago today, I was waiting with my mom for Dan to pick me up. We met online and had been talking on the phone for hours for the last 4 days. This would be the first time we met in person and out first date. He came walking in with 2 gorgeous pink roses in a vase. He was (and is) so handsome! I gave him a big, nervous hug and we sat down so my mom and I could talk to him a bit. Safety first.. He was approved so we left on our first date!
He took me to Claim Jumpers and I can't remember if it was yummy or not cause we were too busy staring at each other. We went to a bar after that..duh it was my 21st bday! It's a must!
We weren't there for very long. We left and went to the lake by my parent's house and talked and had our first kiss. He took me home late and I was sad he had to go.
I knew that night that he was it for me! I still feel that way today!

5 years later, we are married and have 2 gorgeous kids and we have accomplished so much as a family! We are young and accept that we will each change through the years and that's ok. We have a strong marriage, relationship, and friendship. We are so happy and blessed!

Here's to birthdays, getting older, and another 5 years of bliss!!

CONGRATS TO HIM...us!!

Since a very young age, my husband has wanted to be a deputy. Not just any deputy though! He want to be a deputy at the YCSO in OR where he grew up. He started working towards that goal before he graduated from high school. I can only imagine his mother's face when he came home and announced he had just signed up for military life! He did so with purpose though! He became an MP and thus started his law enforcement career.

Fast forward to today...He got hired by YCSO and made it through the police academy! Today is his very last day of patrol training! By midnight tonight, he will officially be a solo patrol deputy for YCSO in OR where he grew up just like he dreamed about so long ago!! He has accomplished all of this and is only 26 years old!

Can I just take a moment to say how very incredibly proud I am of you, Husband!? I so admire your drive, dedication, and motivation to go after your dreams and make them happen! The fact that you dreamed of having this job for the "right" reasons humbles me and helps me to believe there really are plain good people still left in this world! I am so blessed to have you for a husband and our children are just as blessed (although they will not always think so)to have you as their father!
CONGRATULATIONS DEPUTY HUSBAND!!!

Congrats to us as well! His family...his wife and children! We have truly come together as a team and support, worried, sacrificed, and lifted our deputy up, so that he could achieve his dream. Congrats to his parents, who raised a son who has such a big, loving heart! Who has integrity (hard to find these days), empathy, and a true drive to help people! Congrats to all the people in this fine county (or not) who get to know that my husband is out the protecting and serving them with the most honest intentions!

Here I go..

I'm jumping into this crazy world of blogging. I seem to have a lot to say lately and figure this is just a good a place as any.

Get ready for my rambling!